a reflection

Then the righteous will answer him, saying, Lord, when did we see you hungry and fed you? Or thirsty and gave you a drink?

matthew 25:37

i'm sick, it's almost midnight and i just got home. but, then again, i felt that i won't be able to sleep if i don't post my thoughts.

it was never in my culture in giving alms to the needy... i felt that there are more proper venues to give your few peso to the poor... never directly... and it never bothered me as long as i could remember...

"miss isang single pepperoni and mushroom pizza single, and isang mountain dew" (abot P100)

"sir ok lang puro barya?"

"ok lang naman" but then again there must be P60 worth of loose change in my pocket. another P20 in P1 denomination would be too much.

a scene while waiting for 8pm. i was happily munching my pizza and sipping my drinks while trying to hijack some free wifi internet in a snack stop somewhere near our office in makati. that scene ain't too foreign to me... a couple of minutes passed the door opened...

"makikilimos lang po para may pangkain..."

somehow i got a glimpse on the old man's appearance. he's not the beggar-type you see in the streets. he wore a shabby yet clean and neat attire, complete with sandals and a cap. i got a glimpse of the peace in his face and yet the desperation on his voice rings though my ears.

as i watch him through the corner of my eye walking pass my seat and go through the other tables, there's a deep chill that ran through my body... i froze... dead cold... while the other yuppies around me continue through their normal business... as if nothing... nothingness...

the door opened with the sad sound of emptiness...

emptiness of his pocket and stomach...

emptiness of my soul.

then as i watch him through the window, then i started the blame game...

this is makati city! in the heart of the business district! how did a beggar get here?

did you saw him? why did you pretended that he wasn't there?

why is he here? what nerve does he have to be here in metro manila? false hopes?

then i remembered the loose change on my pockets, on how i was irritated to have some... which i consider a hassle... while others may not have touched such amount in their sad life...

then i felt disgusted... sick to my stomach... guilt...

and to make matter's worse, i remembered the verse printed above. it made me sick...

literally.

then i found myself closing my laptop, running outside of the door and out to the corner, looking for him, even though i won't know what to do. hell, with all that preaching of loving your neighbors, i don't know how to act when the situation is smack right in to your face. all i know is i need to find him...

fill his pockets with loose change...

fill his stomach with food...

ask him where he lives, and make sure he has something to bring home to his family...

and yet...

gone.

just like that. he's nowhere to be found. there were no corners after that, nor any other place he could go inside to.

i just want to fill him... help him...

and yet...

i realized...

i'm the one who needed the help.

i felt sick after. literally. i was crying... my head hurts so much... my stomach churned the food that i felt i never deserved.

so much of being a servant-leader. so much of being a single FOR CHRIST

...

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God please forgive me... help me to serve You more.

i am sorry.